Ok, so where was I? Taking a test? Ok. So I missed the quahog question. There was another question that went:

What is the abbreviation doctors write on a prescription to state that there are to be no substitutions?
A. DLM
B. LIB
C. DAW
D. MDL

I didn’t know (until I got home) that the answer was DAW, Dispense As Written. In my defense, I work in a hospital, not a doctor’s office. We use order sheets, not prescription pads. And my doctor’s office uses pads that have a check box that says no substitutions (which he puts a check mark in if this is what he wants). Bummer.

So, after missing those, a question about which female rapper did something, and a few others, I handed in the test. I felt confident that I had at least 23-24 correct. I didn’t know about the other 6-7, but I figured I would get a couple right just by the odds. They graded our tests, and the guy came back to say, “ok, here are the people who passed the test”, and he read off the numbers of those who had passed. My number was 128. My number was conspicuously absent among the numbers emanating from his oral orifice. Grrr. I was struck dumb. I didn’t know what to think. I had thought that the hard part was going to be impressing the staff with my “interesting-ness” and wanting to have me as a contestant. I felt that the test would be a mere formality. As Charlie Brown said when Lucy pulled out the football: AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!

I walked out of the studio in a funk. I walked to the subway entrance, walked down four steps, and realized that this may well be the last time I come to NYC. I was not planning on doing any sightseeing this time, due to the fact that Kim and I would be coming back to NYC when it was time for me to be a contestant (right??). Suddenly faced with the prospect of not being on the show, I wanted to see SOMETHING of New York before I left the next morning. I walked to Times Square (from 66th and Broadway to 42nd St.) Along the way I tried to order a hamburger at a place called “Cosmic Diner”. My waiter was a very nice man named Tony who struck me as not being able to speak English very well. My hamburger came rare. At the time, I was in no mood for screw-ups, so I paid for my diet coke and left. Plus they served it on an English muffin. Sean? What’s up with that? New Yorkers never heard of a bun??

Anyway, I got a sandwich at Blimpie (not knowing any good places to eat), bought some chips, and took the subway back to my hotel. I was pretty depressed, so I turned on the TV to relax. I got to see the last 90 minutes of Million-Dollar Baby (with Clint Eastwood). Boy, that sure made me feel better. I thought, I may not be able to get on a tv show, but at least I’m not a quadriplegic, or blind in one eye, or retarded, and I have family that loves me. I swear, that movie was the most uplifting thing I’ve seen in a long time (at least it made ME feel better…I mean, at least I’m not as bad off as those schmoes!)

Next day, flew home. Nothing interesting happened. Oh, except I got to the airport early enough to see that there were a few empty seats on the side of the aircraft that had one seat instead of two (could I get a professional writer to rewrite that sentence so it makes sense?). Ok, how about this: I checked in early enough to get a single seat, instead of a seat sitting next to someone. That’s better. Anyway, I sat in seat 13A. My wife said, “13? You Picked 13?” I said, “Hey, #1. I was born on the 13th, #2. we don’t believe that stuff anyway, and #3, what’s going to happen to me in row 13 that wouldn’t happen to the guy in row 12? Nothing. So during the flight I looked back at row 16 (where I was originally scheduled to sit), Free Range Troll! Ouch! This lady was beyond description. Ever seen the movie “Clash of the Titans”? GORGON!!! Ick. ANyway, glad I got to sit by myself and read my new book “Godless” by Ann Coulter. Good book! Had me rolling several times, like the part where she is talking about the Chernobyl disaster, and she says, “It was the worst nuclear disaster in history–finally giving us a nuclear power plant that killed more people than died in Teddy Kennedy’s car.” Then, while discussing the “no-flush toilet”, she makes the comment, “Water. Liberals are worried we are going to run out of something that literally falls from the sky. Here’s an idea: Just wait. It will rain.” The whole book is full of that stuff. Hee hee.

So that’s the story of my Millionaire quest. I found out that they are supposedly bringing the auditions to Chicago sometime this summer, so Kim and I will go up there along with her dad, and we are all three planning on trying out. Maybe I’ll get the same test (ha ha).

If anybody wants a lesson in humility, just ask. But it will cost you $400 (at least mine did).