The main problem with the movie was that there was way too much mysticism and obscure religion in it that had nothing to do with the story. The whole “Calypso” plotline was in there only to bring the “council of pirates” together. The whole goal of the pirates setting her free was so that she would crush their enemies. What did she do when they set her free? Started talking even more unintelligibly (as if that were possible), and then grew another 40 feet. Then she turned into a swarm of crabs who (mostly) fell overboard into the ocean. We are left to presume that she caused the worthless whirlpool (it was just eye candy, had absolutely no effect on anything in the movie…the sailors all ignored it.).
So, we are left with the question of: how does everyone end up? What is the end story for each of the main characters from the original movie?
- Captain Jack Sparrow: absolutely no progress. He started the first movie in a dinghy, looking for his ship/treasure/etc. He ends up the third movie in a dinghy, searching for his ship/treasure/etc. I guess this means that it’s par for the course for ole Jack Sparrow.
- Captain Barbossa: sailing on the Black Pearl, same as POTC, but without the curse. Actually, this is a pretty good ending for him.
- Will Turner: Starts the series as a blacksmith in love with a woman he can’t touch and working in a thankless job. He ends up the movie in love with a woman he can’t touch for ten years and bound to a job with a horrible vacation plan. He has to work ten years for every day off. Let’s see, that’s 3,650 days working, one day off. And that wife isn’t getting any younger. The fourth day he spends with her she will be 60 years old.
- Elizabeth Swann: Father’s dead, has no property, no livelihood, no friends, no prospects. Only asset: a husband who she gets to see one day every ten years. Actually, she doesn’t even have a husband, since he died right after they got married. “Til death do us part” applies, so she is a widow (even though he is “alive” again). Hopefully for her sake that “one day” with Will was enough to get her pregnant so she has somebody else, because she has nobody else.
- Norrington: dead.
- Governor Swann: dead.
One more miscellaneous point: as often as that eye popped out of Ragetti’s eye socket, you would think Barbossa would have hid it somewhere else, if it was so important.
Overall, I would say that this movie had some swashbuckling action in it, but it failed romantically, comedically, and in every other way I can think of. The main characters didn’t end up well (except for Barbossa, arguably). The two people you wanted to get together (Will and Elizabeth) did finally, but it was basically a one night stand, and then they are separated. I really enjoyed about 25 minutes of this movie (most of it having to do with Johnny Depp), but when a movie is 168 minutes long, 25 minutes just isn’t enough. Kim and Steve review? Two thumbs down.
EDIT: Kim tells me that I forgot to put in her opinion that parts of the movie made her feel like she was in a psych ward (what with all Cap’n Sparrow’s duplicates, being in jail with himself, eating his own brain, being in Davy Jones’ locker, licking rocks, etc). I said it was surreal, she said crazy.